I just had the most emotional day of my life. I don't know if I'll ever forget this day.
I have a very different perspective on life, than any of you reading this. You all know your fathers and have relationships with them. I don't. I went to my counselor's office today, and I broke down. I was 'bleeding' emotions. I cried for 2 hours non stop talking about everything that's happened in my life. How I felt about everything, how stressed I am about school, and friends, and guys, family.. I told her how angry I was towards my father, for knowing about me, and taking that part of me away. I feel like I've been taken advantage of in some ways. I hate my two little sisters, because they get to have a dad. And I don't. I put on a smile everday and act like everythings okay. It's not. Reality is, I still hurt. I still bleed. I still cry. When I was little something happened to me, that only a few people know about. Not even my Mom. I think that's where I would go to, If I could rewind my life. That would be the one thing that I would try to get out of. The other person that is involved in that "situation" in my life, is one of the people that I was closest to, and now I couldn't feel farther away. That person was like my big brother, and I trusted him. Now he's screwing up his life, doing pot, selling drugs. He gave me a ride the other day, and I think that he was high. He wasn't just risking his life by driving that car, he was risking mine. I literally cannot stop crying. I don't know what to do about my Dad. I don't want to hurt my Mom, because I love my mom..so, so much. I don't want to see her get hurt again. I don't even know what happened between her and my dad, all I know is, that I have to do this. For me. So my conselor, Tracy, told me to write a letter to him. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write this letter in the lowest point of my life, It'll be really long, but it will get my emotions out. Hate. Fear. Love.
Gosh, it seems every key I hit on this keyboard, tears pour. There are so many things that I keep inside of me, and I don't let them show. I don't want to be known as weak, soft. I finally realized today, that, that a part of my love is gone. Forever. I cried, not because I wanted to be with him, or because I loved him so much that it made me cry. But becaue I realized that I was going to be okay without him.
I think I tend to fall in love so quickly because I want someone to fill the void for my father not being there. But no one can do that. My mother has erased him from her life. My grandparents have erased him from their life. I don't have that. I can't erase him. He's my dad. I've never met him, and I feel so much resent towards him for that. He should have been there for me. He's the reason why I cut for four years. Four years that I had taken away from me, pretending to be someone that I wasn't. I want to escape so bad. But you can't run away from things in your life. You have to work through the hard stuff, no matter what happens. I honestly feel like I've been left behind. From everyone that I ever loved. Everytime Jenny leaves, I feel like she's leaving me. I know she's not but that's how I feel. Josh left me. Abby left me. I trusted Abby and Josh both so much and they both betrayed me. I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed than the day that I found out that Josh cheated on me. I gave him everything, and he repayed me by doing god knows what with another girl. I gave him my trust, my time, my heart. I've given up on guys. They're all low life losers. That's what I've grown up around. I can't lower my standards. I need someone that will love me for me. Not for how I look, how much money I have, what group I'm in. If you love me, don't be afraid to show it. Don't treat me like shit in public and then when we're alone, treat me like I'm the queen of the world. I'm better than that. I deserve better than that.
I learned today that my soul is so much older than my body. Because I have had to endure so many things in my life, that a lot of people my age, couldn't even dream of. I may be only 13, but in spirit, I am beyond my years.
( The Gift that Is MineCollapse )