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I am moving through the crowd, trying to find myself... [entries|friends|calendar]

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[26 Mar 2005|09:42am]
[ mood | flirty ]

I Have had this Livejournal name for farrrr too long...

I have decided to create a new one it is:::




so add me!


Love You





don't wanna be no one...but me....

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[23 Mar 2005|08:05pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Hello Lovers!

I just dyed my hair, my hairdresser just talked me out of dying my hair black....SORRY JACKIE...and she dyed my hair dark brownish/redish i guess...it looks soooo pretty.  I <3 IT!  Yay! 

I'm watching LOST right now, and I haven't watched it in soooo long, and I'm excited about it, because there is a really hottt guy on here...and yeah...

I soooooooo don't want to go to school tomorrow.  I don't want to have to go to science.  Ugh..I hate Mr. Price...teachers suck anyways though..

Sigghh...I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.  I'm not doing so good, so hopefully I'll start doing better with this new Med....i hate taking pills, but hopefully they'll end up helping me in the long run.

I like my new layout...do you?

Well I should get off to watching my hot dude on the screen.


Laterrrr Loves


Kayla Marie**

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[21 Mar 2005|11:10am]

Uggghhh..I didn't feel good at all this morning.  It sucked.  hahaha...at least that's what I told my Mom.  ;)  I don't like school, I probably failed like 9380948324 classes, and I'm just over this shit.  It's not even fuckin worth it anymore.  I should just drop out...blah...my grandparents are gonna like exile me from the family ahha...just cuz i'm dying my hair black...assholes...well yeah i have to get offline...so laterrr i guess..



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[20 Mar 2005|01:31pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Nothing fun has happened yet today.  I did use my new straightener though.  It made my hair sooo soft.  I <3 It! 

I need to paint my nails again.  They chipped.  :(

I told my grandmother about my hair and she goes "Ew."...I was like..thanks Nan...

Jackie's coming over...I don't know when though, because Abby's at her house right now.  I'm still kind of freaked out by the idea of me with black hair, but it'll be awesome.  So Awesome.  I don't care what anyone else says.  Its my hair not yours crazy fucks.  God.  If you don't wanna dye your hair black...i don't give a fuck, but don't make fun of me because I do whatever the hell I want to.  Idiots. 


random type.  my bad.  I changed my layout so the background's black now.  I <3 It.  You should too bitches.

My paid account is going to run out soon.  I owe my mom fucking 160 bucks.  Damn it.  I have soo many things that I need to take care of, and no one can do it for me.  I liked being a little kid better, when you wouldn't get in trouble, and when you did, you could just cry your way out of it..Now if I cry, my Mom's like "OMG I HAVE TO GET YOU INTO A THERAPY SESSION"...wtf, if I cry, it's OK...rrr..parents upset me a lot.  Glad I only have one...but not for long...ugh.  I'm gonna have 3...that's not fun.  Siiggghhh...I'm gonna have to meet my 2 sisters...I bet they're fat hoes.  Ha, I sound nice.  I like being an only child.  This is going to suck.

W/E though... had to do it sometime or another...


well I'll write latterrrr

~~Kayla Marie~~

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[19 Mar 2005|10:49pm]
[ mood | naughty ]

Green Eyes

What Color Eyes Should You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

umm..is it just me or is that picture just a tad pit scary?

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[19 Mar 2005|10:45pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

eating people

what's YOUR deepest secret?
brought to you by Quizilla

*snaps fingers*
you caught me...

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[19 Mar 2005|08:35pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Looonng day today.
I don't really remember what happened.
Maybe because nothing exciting happened.

I'M DYING MY HAIR BLACK TOMORROW WITH JACKIE! Jackie isn't dying her hair black, but she's dying mine for me...I'M SOOOOOOOOO EXCITED!!! YAYZZ!!

leave me some comments and tell me what you think of me dying my hair black
thanks loves


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[18 Mar 2005|09:43pm]
[ mood | shitty...ugh. ]

My mom is soooo gonna let me learn the electric guitar. This hauls ass! I'm gonna get a hot pink guitar like in my lj user pic..this is sooo awesome. I so deserve it, after writing that letter to my Dad...and sending it. My life is a complete mess at the moment. One of my best friends is in an intense fight with one of her best friends, and is completely sad, and it upsets me muchly. I hope they can work it out soon. If they don't, I'll have to step in the middle of it..RRR..watch out for kayla marie largay bitches! haha jk..
I'm totally obcessed with the Ryan Cabrera CD...um, yeah. He's sooo hot. NO! I SWEAR OFF OF ALL BOYS FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER! I've had the cd since like the first week it came out, but now I'm just starting to listen to it...
His lyrics are so beautiful...As is he..STOP. OK Well I'm gonna go listen to the cd...all over again. Fun. Of course!

....::::Kayla Marie::::....

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[18 Mar 2005|07:19pm]
[ mood | content ]

Didn't go to school today.

Dizzy this morning.

Sorry Danielle.

Nothing to really write about, because I did absoloutly nothing today, other than decide that I am no longer going to talk to Josh, because he's a total asshole to me, and I need to get over him...ssiigghh...boys suck.  But not all of them, as my dear friend chugi  pointed out to me....:)...so yeah...I'm officially going to tell him that because I can't get over him, I choose not to talk to him anymore, because that doesn't really help...so yes...I'll write when there's something to write.



IT IS PnkRckPrncessMTDO NOT IM HER ON ORANGEJUICE967 ANYMORE!!!Thank You.The Management. 

[18 Mar 2005|11:00am]
[ mood | cranky ]

one glance from you makes me shakeCollapse )

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[17 Mar 2005|08:48pm]
[ mood | GAY PRIDE!sryisawthisn..yeah. ]

Today was fun.

I went to Danielle's after school. Then we went with her Mom to Day's Jeweler's in Bangor to get a watch fixed.

Her Mom then brought us over to Nick's house.
I officially hate being pelted with snowballs. I have a gazillion bruises all over my leg. It sucks.
Danielle, Nick, Me, and Nick's Mom all went to dinner at the coach house. It was fun. I Had chicken fingers. They were good.
You know that green stuff that they put at the edge of your plate.
Well Danielle goes, "I've never seen a white person eat greens." so I shoved it in my mouth and go "Now you have."...um, yeah, it was disgusting....really really disgusting.
Then Nick's Mom dropped me off at my house, and I went inside and my mom went out and BOUGHT AN AB LOUNGE TODAY!!!

I WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED! I've wanted one foorrreeevvveerrr! I've been doing it all night, and my stomach hurts sooo bad! It stinks, but I'll have sexxyy abs! Damn straight bitches...
Well I'm watching The O.C.
so I guess I'll write later when I have stuff to write.

I <3 JDM...this sucks. It should seriously stop.


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Things aren't always what they seem... [17 Mar 2005|08:03am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I'm going to try and update this throughout out the day, but I don't know, I'll probably get caught. I'll just keep it to one entry so you don't have to keep scrolling down though.

I don't know why I feel so alone.
I'd like to figure out why though.
I cry myself to sleep, and wonder what is it that I'm doing wrong?
I don't understand my life anymore, and I push people away that matter most to me in my life. But why?
I don't know if I'll ever know, but maybe that little piece of hope keeps me going every day.

Today is St. Patrick's day.
That's not fun. A bunch of pinches and punches for me today, as I did not wear green.
What the fuck.
What's so special about St. Patrick's day? Lucky Charms, Four Leaf Clovers...there's nothing special.

Cady and I are going to the REC tonight. Wonder if there's even practice.
My Mom thinks I'm going to smoke Pot and she doesn't even care. Maybe I should...whatever.

My Mom doesn't give a fuck that I'm dying my hair black and piercing random places all over my body.
Good Luck for me.

Gotta Go for a while...Thompson

Yeah, sorry it's like 1;31 now...I totally forgot all about this thing...I'll update it later tonight.

Love Y'all
Kayla Marie

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We stuck together through the good and bad times...so glad that I have these friends of mine... [16 Mar 2005|05:56pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Weird Day..


These are words, straight from my heart...Collapse )


I would roll out of town like a runaway train, I'll do as I dare, won't let em say anything... [15 Mar 2005|08:27pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I just had the most emotional day of my life.  I don't know if I'll ever forget this day. 

I have a very different perspective on life, than any of you reading this.  You all know your fathers and have relationships with them.  I don't.  I went to my counselor's office today, and I broke down.  I was 'bleeding' emotions.  I cried for 2 hours non stop talking about everything that's happened in my life.  How I felt about everything, how stressed I am about school, and friends, and guys, family..  I told her how angry I was towards my father, for knowing about me, and taking that part of me away.  I feel like I've been taken advantage of in some ways.  I hate my two little sisters, because they get to have a dad.  And I don't.  I put on a smile everday and act like everythings okay.  It's not.  Reality is, I still hurt.  I still bleed.  I still cry.  When I was little something happened to me, that only a few people know about.  Not even my Mom.  I think that's where I would go to, If I could rewind my life.  That would be the one thing that I would try to get out of.  The other person that is involved in that "situation" in my life, is one of the people that I was closest to, and now I couldn't feel farther away.  That person was like my big brother, and I trusted him.  Now he's screwing up his life, doing pot, selling drugs.  He gave me a ride the other day, and I think that he was high.  He wasn't just risking his life by driving that car, he was risking mine.  I literally cannot stop crying.  I don't know what to do about my Dad.  I don't want to hurt my Mom, because I love my mom..so, so much.  I don't want to see her get hurt again.  I don't even know what happened between her and my dad, all I know is, that I have to do this.  For me.  So my conselor, Tracy, told me to write a letter to him.  So that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to write this letter in the lowest point of my life, It'll be really long, but it will get my emotions out.  Hate.  Fear.  Love.

Gosh, it seems every key I hit on this keyboard, tears pour.  There are so many things that I keep inside of me, and I don't let them show.  I don't want to be known as weak, soft.  I finally realized today, that, that a part of my love is gone.  Forever.  I cried, not because I wanted to be with him, or because I loved him so much that it made me cry.  But becaue I realized that I was going to be okay without him. 

I think I tend to fall in love so quickly because I want someone to fill the void for my father not being there.  But no one can do that.  My mother has erased him from her life.  My grandparents have erased him from their life.  I don't have that.  I can't erase him.  He's my dad.  I've never met him, and I feel so much resent towards him for that.  He should have been there for me.  He's the reason why I cut for four years.  Four years that I had taken away from me, pretending to be someone that I wasn't.  I want to escape so bad.  But you can't run away from things in your life.  You have to work through the hard stuff, no matter what happens.  I honestly feel like I've been left behind.  From everyone that I ever loved.  Everytime Jenny leaves, I feel like she's leaving me.  I know she's not but that's how I feel.  Josh left me.  Abby left me.   I trusted Abby and Josh both so much and they both betrayed me.  I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed than the day that I found out that Josh cheated on me.  I gave him everything, and he repayed me by doing god knows what with another girl.  I gave him my trust, my time, my heart.  I've given up on guys.  They're all low life losers.  That's what I've grown up around.  I can't lower my standards.  I need someone that will love me for me.  Not for how I look, how much money I have, what group I'm in.  If you love me, don't be afraid to show it.  Don't treat me like shit in public and then when we're alone, treat me like I'm  the queen of the world.  I'm better than that.  I deserve better than that. 

I learned today that my soul is so much older than my body.  Because I have had to endure so many things in my life, that a lot of people my age, couldn't even dream of.  I may be only 13, but in spirit, I am beyond my years.


The Gift that Is MineCollapse )

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Cause it was love...wasn't it...well its killing me, not having it... [15 Mar 2005|12:40pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I didn't go to school today.  I'm too tired from that effing baby keeping me up all night long.  It makes me mad.  And then I didn't take my prozac today, so I'm depressed..Blah..This stinks.  I can't wait until April..gosh it's coming up.  I really hope I don't get on a plane and crazy people Hijack it and then I die.  Hm..Positive thinking..:-\ I'm going to be sure to bring my cellphone though, so if that does happen, I can call random people and be like...malallala my planes being hijacked...gosh, what's up with me today..Huh..My heart still hurts, and I'm quite annoyed at it.  It should be over by now, wasn't like this with my other exes...sldkfj...i have issues with this..I also feel really tingly right now.  I got up this morning and I couldn't see, I was really dizzy and it sucked.  then my cat randomly scratched my nose this morning.  Stupid Black Cat.  I just put in a new keyboard so this one types better.  I like it.  Dezare comes back on Thursday.  That should be fun.  Craig and I are getting closer :)  but I don't think that I like him like that..but that's someone elses fault.  I still like D...but then IDK...I'm just really confused about everything in my life right now.  I like being single in some ways though..because I'm not tied down like I was.  I can hang out with my friends and not worrying about "what's he going to think I was doing???" w/e though...boys aren't worth it.  but I love being in love...hm..I've been in love..3 times..I think.  I fall in love too easily.  I also <3 Making out...but you don't have to have a boyfriend to do that.. ;)..gosh I sound like such a whore..haha cause I am..I'm also a stoner..jk...My mouth is really dry, I'd like to know why..I'M MOVING MY ROOM BACK UPSTAIRS!!  I'm painting my walls black and I'm going to have hot pink and white stars like all over the walls it's going to be soooo totally awesome...BUT I WANT MY LAPTOP BACK..bitches...This is a really pointless entry, sorry this must be kind of boring, and I feel bad if you're still reading this...hmm...

OK Well I should go..my moms gonna yell at me if she find out I was online...





Behind those eyes...you lie. [14 Mar 2005|07:03pm]
[ mood | dorky ]

I quit.  Friends only is off for now.  People that want to read my el to the jay are yelling at me.  Not my fault if you crazy fucks don't have a livejournal.  But I caved..so yeah.

So..yesterday I had great fun with Jackie walking around in our snowshoes over to the IGA and falling down perfectly normal sized snowbanks...hm.

I don't like this keyboard, that's why I don't type for that long on this stupid effing computer.  It pisses me off.  I want my laptop back..crazy laptop people.

I have no reason to be crying, but I am at the moment.  This confuses me muchly.  I am perfectly okay today because I took my "happy pills" but now I'm just..mallalala..yeah.

School was actually fun today.  I GOT AN A IN SCIENCE!  I was soooooooooo surprised!  I never get a's in science..siiggghhh...yes.  OMG.  Today at lunch was effing hilarious!  Troy flung applesauce at me and it landed square in my forehead...ha..it was great..Then Thompson..that ass hole..came over and yelled at me Cady, Sarah, and Emily for "making too much noise" when I sit there ever fucking day and he knows it.  Gosh..i wish he would walk off of a cliff..mahaha..hmm..

Jackie and I officially love Bowling for Soup.. they rock my sox..

OK Well..

peace out bitches..

<3 ya!

kayla marie






[09 Mar 2005|02:04pm]
[ mood | cold ]

She says she tells the future...Collapse )


[09 Mar 2005|12:38pm]
[ mood | cold ]

and i almost had you, but i guess that doesn't cut itCollapse )


Sometimes I wake up crying at night, and sometimes I scream out your name... [08 Mar 2005|07:37pm]
[ mood | i'm too fucked up to feel ]





I really don't feel as if I'm worth it anymore.  I seriously woke up this morning disappointed that I was still alive.  I have no faith in myself whatsoever, and I really feel as if life for everyone would be better if I wasn't in it anymore.  I can't take all of these mixed feelings that I'm getting from people, are you my friend or not?  It's just that simple.  Do you like me like that or not?  It's not that hard.  I cut last night.  The first time in a looonnnggg time.  But only once, and not that deep.  I shake my head in despair of everything that I have become.  My life is so fucked up and I hide it so well.  You think you know me, but no one knows how I feel.  I'm not even sure how I feel.  The Prozac isn't working, and I knew that it wouldn't.  I cry myself to sleep every single nightHoping that maybe the tears that fall will make everything all right.  But they don't.  They make it worse.  I cry for hours at a time just wishing for it all to be over, everything. 

I honestly don't know If I can handle it anymore.  I really don't.  I have so many things in my life that are screwed up.  Just so many things that won't ever be resolved.  My dad doesn't even care about me, and that is one of the worst feelings in the world, but no worse than the feeling when you love someone, and they don't love you back.  My eyes burn from crying all day and all night.  I stay home during the weekend, and I don't do anything, just so I can cry.  It's like I have to plan my whole entire life around these things and in the process it just makes it harder for me.  It honestly does, and I'm not sure if I can take anything more anymore.  I'm so full of emotions, I know I love one person, but I'm still waiting on the other one.  But even then, I couldn't love the second person, because it would kill another person that I love.  I just can't do that.  I really can't.  Not again.  I just want to sleep all day trying to get into my dreams, and hoping that maybe something good will come out of them. 

I miss his kiss.  I miss everything.  I just want it to be all ok, and I know that it won't.  I know that.  So why am I hanging on? 

I can't take crying myself to sleep anymore.  I've contemplated suicide, but I won't do it.  I'm too much of a pussy.  I've written a suicide note incase I do decide to do it, but I'm still not sure.  I wouldn't do it.  I know I wouldn't. 


xx  kay marie  xx


...i see you're in a hurry, leave now, don't you worry, i'll be here when you get home, but my soul will be gone, i'll be just flesh and bones, you killed me ____ can't you see?, all i really wanted was for you to see me...




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Ugh... [03 Mar 2005|12:19am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I really don't feel good, but I can't risk not going to school, so I should probably be going to bed as for the fact that I have to get up in five hours, and that is going to suck completely.  I'll end up coming home from school tomorrow, which I need a ride by the way...great, and fall asleep.  Oh Well...  I officially hate my life, I feel as if there is no need for me to go back on Prozac, it didn't help last time, so why would it help now...my god...ugh...

talk to you guys later..





thank you for your time..

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